Are You Prioritizing Friendships?

When you think about your relationships, how many people, outside of your spouse or partner, know and care about “the real you”? For many people who live in America, this number has declined so significantly that the term “friendship recession” has started to pop up. A 2021 poll of U.S. residents from the Survey Center for American Life found the following:   

• Twelve percent of Americans report having no close friends, up from about 3 percent in the 1990s.  

• Men report being most affected, with 15 percent reporting having no close friendships. 

• The number of people who say they have 10 or more close friends has fallen from 33 percent in 1990 to 13 percent most recently. 

Several trends are contributing to the decline of close social ties. Reduced participation in faith-based groups, unions, sports leagues and other community organizations is one frequently cited cause. Another factor is that people are spending more time focused on work and their immediate families, and less time hanging out with their pals. According to a Feb. 2025 article in the Harvard Kennedy School for Public Leadership, Americans reported spending an average of 6.5 hours a week with friends for decades, but from 2014 to 2019 that number declined to 4 hours. A global pandemic, coupled with the increased use of digital devices that supplant in-person interaction, have only exacerbated the situation. 

The reduction in strong social networks likely has resulted in people feeling more isolated. In 2023, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy cited a loneliness epidemic, noting that having weak social connections increases the likelihood of heart disease, stroke, dementia and premature death.

Are you depriving your friendships of oxygen? 

As much as most of us want and need friends, it’s easy to let these relationships slide. In the mid-1990s, I moved to San Francisco from West Virginia with a group of friends from high school. In our 20s and early 30s, we spent countless hours at the beach playing cards, singing, eating together or just doing nothing. We called our group “West Virginia West,” and our bonds were strong. But in our 30s and 40s several couples had children and moved to the East Bay, so crossing a bridge and navigating kids’ schedules made it harder to get together. At the same time, work obligations intensified, and our hang-outs became less frequent. Eventually, the group started seeing each other sporadically, mostly at weddings, birthdays and other formal occasions. Although I still considered these folks my “best friends,” the closeness I once felt started to ebb.

In my coaching practice, I often see individuals similarly struggling to balance the demands of work and family with the desire to maintain close friendships. Those who are especially dedicated to their careers and families may, in fact, have the toughest time finding the hours to maintain their friendships. 

Building and nurturing friendships

The good news is that you don’t need to spend countless hours cultivating dozens of close friends to be happy. Most research suggests that a handful of deep relationships can be ideal, but everyone is different. Rather than aiming for a certain number of friends, it’s better to ask yourself whether you feel lonely. If the answer is “yes,” consider investing more time in your current friendships or expanding your social circle. 

Joining groups, taking classes or volunteering for a cause you care about are all ways to meet new people. Following are a few tips that can help you turn new contacts into close friends: 

• Make the first move. It might feel awkward or scary to invite someone to spend time with you. Do it anyway. Most people will be flattered that you want to get to know them better.

• Put in the time. Research shows that it takes about 50 hours of interaction to go from an acquaintance to a friendship, and about 200 hours to move into BFF territory. So. look for opportunities to spend time with your future friends, and be patient as the relationships grow.

• Ask, “When will I see you next?” After a fun hang-out with someone, don’t wait to set up your next get-together. Instead, make plans then and there.

• Open up. Nothing stokes the fires of friendship more than meaningful conversation. Build trust by sharing vulnerabilities as you get to know a person. 

• Build rituals together. Whether it’s watching Monday night football or participating in a weekly pickleball game, routines help solidify the bonds of friendship.

When my “West Virginia West” friendship group realized that we were growing distant, we committed to monthly rotating dinners. I’ll be honest: There are times when I don’t relish the thought of a 45-minute commute to break bread with my crew, but I do it anyway. The benefits of meaningful friendships far outweigh the inconveniences. 

Members of my "West Virginia West" group celebrate a 50th birthday